WRITING A BOOK, THIS IS MY PROLOGUE. PLEASE READ IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

XGC MrGrimm

New member
My name is Diego Pisani, me and my wife came to America in the search for a better life. The year is 1920, and my wife is expecting to have a baby after the New Year. I’ve had no luck finding good work, but work is work so I am looking anywhere and everywhere.
A couple months down the road I came across a garage that was hiring and figured it would be laborious but pay well. The guy who worked at the garage was an elderly man, around the age of 50. He was a friendly face, but seemed like he had a lot on his mind. There was a car sitting outside of the garage for about an hour now, we were getting kind of suspicious of the vehicle but it finally pulled into the shop.
A tall slender man in his twenties stepped out of the vehicle, the car was a 1920 Hudson, it kind of stood out with the all black color and I noticed some bullet holes in the back of the car. Figured he was with the “Family” because of his long black overcoat and I could see the shape of a pistol in his coat. I immediately started to get nervous as the man came closer, and closer and then stopped about arms length away. He handed me a letter, I took the letter read the front looked up and the man was gone. He had left the car behind which I figured the letter was about the car sitting in front of me. I didn’t read the letter until I returned home.
When I returned home Belinda was already sleeping, she is always exhausted with the newborn baby only a few months away. I took the letter and went into the kitchen, opened it and began reading it,
Dear Diego,
We have an understanding that you and your wife are in a bit of trouble with your money; well hopefully I can persuade you to come and have a meet with the Lombardo family. Inside the car that was dropped off at the garage is a pistol, and directions to our estate, bring the car and the pistol with you when you arrive, make sure you bring nothing else for this could cause a problem. Don’t keep the ‘Boss’ waiting too long.
Your Friend, The Shadow

What a strange letter to receive out of nowhere like this Diego thought as he stood and threw away the letter.
The next year was the year 1921 and Diego’s son Vito Pisani was born. After the encounter with the mobster the Pisani family hadn’t heard from anyone for a few years. 5 years later Diego received a letter, it was a draft letter. Diego now had to join the military and fight for America. While Diego was away in the Army, Belinda had also received a letter several months after the father had left. The letter was very short and straight to the point, it read,
Dear ma’am
We know you need money, we can help. You will find a man in a black coat at the bar around the corner. Meet him there.
Signed, The Shadow
The Shadow? She thought looking at the letter seems kind of an outrageous way to make money, but they needed money, especially since Diego is away in the Army and Belinda has to raise a 5 year old Vito by herself.
She had just put Vito to bed and headed out the door to the bar. When she got to the bar there was no one there. She waited for almost an hour and decided to go home. As she pulled up to the drive she noticed there was a black car in the driveway. She pulled up next to it and proceeded to get out of the car. She noticed a strange man dressed in a black suit with a long black overcoat. He was clean shaven and didn’t wear a hat. Belinda walked up to the man, they began to speak. The man spoke of a proposition to help her out with her money problems. It would have required her to borrow money from him, so she can pay off the bills she owed. They talked for a few hours before she had agreed to his proposition. He got out of his car and placed a briefcase on the door, stepped back and gestured a slight nod towards Belinda and walked away, got in his car and drove off. Belinda stood up walked to the case, opened it and took out the money.
Over the course of a month she had went and spent $6,000 and had forgot about the mobsters agreement after 3 months he would be there to collect the $6,000 he had loaned her. She has two months to get the money. Another month passes and she only has come up with $1,000 of his money. She knows that he will be back next month.
The third month arrives and she had only acquired a few thousand dollars. She sits and awaits the arrival of the man. A couple of hours slowly drag on and then the mans car furiously pulls up to the house, parking in the grass and leaving the engine running while he approaches the women sitting nervously in her kitchen. The door bell dings and she gets up and answers the door. She hands the man the case with only $3,000 in it. The man sits down at the table and opens the case, he instantly knew that the money she owed him was not there. He disgustedly looked at the women and then back to the case. Without saying a word he motions for the women to go outside. Belinda obeys and starts to walk outside just as she hears Vito start to scream and cry. She ran into the house only to see the man holding Vito by the neck and holding a pistol in the other hand. The man points the gun at the women, pulling the trigger until the gun was out of bullets. The man stuffed the kid into the back seat of the car and told him not to move. The man goes back into the house, picking up the dead women and takes her outback to bury her. The man writes a note, and sticks it to the refrigerator then walks out to the car and drives off.
 

XGC MrGrimm

New member
Yea I have played LA Noire, Very good game. I suck at it though xD me and the wife usually play it together and help each other through the game. But with the book I am doing a revision on it so I will probably re-post the revise. Thank you guys for the feedback!
 

XGC RVxxMARINE

New member
Ideas and imagination are always fun to put down on paper. Writing, however, requires skill sets that includes using proper English. You asked for input so...In your opening paragraph you write "me and my wife", should state that"my wife and I came to America". You might be trying to write in their language, but problems keep coming in that the reader does not get that feeling.
There are writing classes at almost every community college. You obviously have a talent for telling a story, so get help in understanding how to write it on paper!
 

x9th Bellus

New member
Seems like a good story line, but I think I would have went into the story a bit more... We don't really get an idea of who the man and his wife are. It's important to introduce your characters. There was also a HUGE jump in the story, went from before the baby was born to 5 years later. I think you should have flowed that a little better. But the story seems interesting, and I'm kind of intrigued to see what happens to the boy.
 
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